Week 7: We're All in This Together!

THANK YOU.
Your encouraging words and supportive actions have uplifted me this week.  You make it rewarding to combat my tendency to think I have to overcome my problems by myself-- I accomplish more and become better when I lean on the strength of my friends and family and of the Lord.  Teamwork works! I gained my own testimony this week of this principle from Elder Neil L. Andersen: "When you are faced with a test of faith, stay within the safety and security of the household of God. There is always a place for you here. No trial is so large we can’t overcome it together.^"

 
I am feeling motivated again, relying on the power of healthy habits, and seeing satisfying day-by-day results.  I pray a lot.  I've found it especially helpful to tell Heavenly Father my goals each morning; if I commit to Him to keep them, I am much more likely to do so than if I just commit to myself.  

He always provides a way.

Here's a seemingly silly example, but an example I call a tender mercy of the Lord: We had a super fun "Second Chance Valentine's Day" activity for Relief Society this week.  I wanted to go and socialize, but I knew that there would be lots of sweets there.  I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would not eat any treats, and I asked Him to help me stick to that.  I knocked on the door, sat in the first available seat, and-- what do you know-- there's this perfect little half-wall right next to me that covers my view of the kitchen table.  Like, seriously.  I don't even know what treats are over there, so I'm not tempted to have any.  Out of sight out of mind.  And then they drew door prizes-- a large percentage of which were Valentine candies.  Instead, I won Valentine "cuff bands" and pretty classy ones, at that! ;)  Such small things, but "the Lord is in the detail of our lives."  He cared enough about helping me reach my goals that He found a seat for me behind a wall and gave me "cuff bands" instead of candy.  Now that is a God who knows me, a God who cares.  

These words seem especially appropriate today: "I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace. ... Parents are pulling for you, leaders are pulling for you, and prophets are pulling for you. And Jesus is pulling with you." Brad Wilcox

 

Week 6: Struggling

I did SO good on my birthday.  And then Valentine's Day came.... and proved to me that I still have a long way to go.  I'm still vulnerable.  I still don't know how to moderate.  Today was another binge day, and I feel awful and unmotivated and so angry with myself.

So, self, STOP right now.  Think about the bigger picture.  You overate and didn't exercise for three days.  That is three days out of your entire existence.  Are you going to let three days stop you?

Remember,

DON'T YOU QUIT.

And remember, you don't have to do this alone.  Tomorrow, I will redouble my efforts to pray for strength in meeting my goals, I will study at least one spiritual article that relates to health and the Gospel, and I will set up an appointment with a counselor to talk about some things that have been bothering me.

I'm not quitting.

Hold me accountable, okay?

Week 4: The Lord is Nigh

"Weight is a protection," my aunt told me today. "A protection from things that we fear."  Although I have lately been in a hopeful mindset, an experience last week resurfaced one of my deepest fears: that I will never be loved and married.  I am sure that my weight and that fear are quite connected; exactly how, I need to explore more.  I'm not comfortable putting the all details of what happened on a public blog, but as I walked home last Monday night, those fearful, buried thoughts resurrected.  "He broke my trust.  How can I ever open up to someone again?"  "If I had been skinnier, would things have turned out differently?"  "If he wouldn't love me, will anyone?" 

"Heavenly Father, please bless that I can receive some comfort from the lesson tonight," I prayed silently as we began FHE.  We were asked to open to Psalms 34 and read verses 14-19. Right from the start, the verses seemed to speak to me: "The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and his ears are open unto their cry. ... The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles" (vs. 15, 17).  Then listen to verse 18.  Could there have been a more fitting verse in all of scripture?

"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart..."  

Seriously.  That's what it says.  Immediately, I felt exactly what I prayed to feel-- comfort-- and, again, faith and hope.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to fear rejection.  He accepts me  (see Isaiah 53:3-5).  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to protect and hide myself in fatty layers of emotional eating.  His grace covers me and strengthens me.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to feel alone.  He is near me, even (and perhaps especially) when my heart is broken.

Don't mistake me and think I am healed all at once.  Like my habits and goals for healthy living, reaching emotional health will be a process that also takes time.  I must expect opposition and failure and learn flexible strategies for dealing with those.  But I just feel better about approaching my future, knowing, again, that I don't have to do it by myself.

Week 3: How I Applied Relief Society to Laundry

This is a photo of my planner from last week.  Notice how everything is written down and almost everything is crossed off.  Readings for the week?  Check.  Plan and present a spiritual thought? Check.  Apologize to a friend?  Check.  Sara open her mission call?  Check.  Sister sleepover?  Check.  Party with old friends? Check.  Spiritual progression?  Check.  Friend bonding?  Done.  Important family milestones?  Been there. Done that.

Are you seeing the problem?

Granted, this is a planner.  I'm supposed to plan things here.  It aids my already burdened memory and helps me schedule and keep track of school and work.  But I've been noticing this get-through-it-so-I-can-be-done mindset creeping into my mental default settings.

Somewhere in the midst of life, I'm forgetting to live.

We studied this timely message yesterday, and I seriously wanted to memorize the whole thing in attempts to internalize it.  Here are a few of the most poignant parts: 

http://media-cache0.pinterest.com/upload/332422016215041535_ES4k68Dx.jpg

"Doesn't it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

"Do we listen to beautiful music waiting for the final note to fade before we allow ourselves to truly enjoy it? No.  We listen and connect to the variations of melody, rhythm, and harmony throughout the composition.

"Do we say our prayers with only the 'amen' or the end in mind? Of course not.  We pray to be close to our Heavenly Father, to receive His Spirit and feel His love.


"We shouldn't wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available-- all the time.  Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. 'This is the day which the Lord hath made...,' the Psalmist wrote.  'Rejoice and be glad in it.'

"...No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish.  There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it...

"...With the bountiful blessings of our Heavenly Father, His generous plan of salvation, the supernal truths of the restored gospel, and the many beauties of this mortal journey, 'have we not reason to rejoice?'...

"We cannot take for granted one single day.

"I pray that we will not wait until we are ready to die before we truly learn to live."

Beautiful.  I wonder how much more meaningful my life would be if I lived by these principles.  Especially in my health and fitness goals, the temptation to wait to enjoy life is daunting.  I'll admit that I've thought this before: "I won't be truly happy with life until I've lost the weight."  Not true, self! Not true!  I can be happy now.  To paraphrase President Uchtdorf's words, "[I] do matter. [I] determine [my] happiness.  [I am] ultimately in charge of [my] own happiness."


I tried this out today on something routine that I was planning to merely get done and check off my list: laundry.  That's always on our lists, right?  So I'm gonna love it.  During the trek down to the laundromat, I loved the smell of Tide.  On the walk to switch my clothes to the dryer, I loved the sunlight (yay, sunlight!) reflecting on the snow outside.  I loved hugging the dyer-warm clothes like a kid. I loved the satisfaction of a neat fold.  And I loved the Tinkerbell movie while I folded. :)  Yes, the Tinkerbell movie brings me joy.  Don't judge.  Childish? Maybe.  But I got the same task done with much more joy that usual and hardly any more effort.  And don't you love the way children live life anyway?  With laughter and wonder and curiosity and love?  They don't wait to be happy.  And neither will I.  

Thanks to my Bishop for inspiring the study of that talk, and Serena and Emilee for teaching it so thoughtfully. :)




P.S. I'm on my way to establishing my veggie-with-dinner habit!

Week 2: More Fit for the Kingdom

I left my lunch half-eaten on the table and rushed out the door, still pulling on my new purple coat and striped mittens as I shut the door.  My shivering hurried me along almost as much as my desire to miss as little as possible of Sister Dalton's devotional.  As I walked, I pondered what had just happened.  I had planned to watch Sister Dalton on TV from the convenience and warmth of my own couch, but when I turned on the TV at T minus 1 minute, we discovered that particular devotional was not to be broadcast.  "Ah, well," I thought at first as I resigned to find the archives later, but then I felt unsettled, and after a halfhearted struggle against the prompting I felt to go, I thought, "I know I won't regret it if I go, but I might regret it if I don't."

And once I decided, there was no going back.

Recently, I've tried to make it a habit to approach every meeting and scripture study and devotional with a question to the Lord.  As I thought about what I needed from Sister Dalton's devotional at that moment, I felt guilty for how my healthy eating had gone down the drain after only a week, and how I already felt discouraged and frustrated and unmotivated to be healthy.

Seriously, self?! After a week?!

So I prayed, "Heavenly Father, please bless that I can receive some sort of motivation and encouragement for getting back on track to being healthy."  And then in a carnal lapse of faith (just in case it was too late for Heavenly Father to work something like that into a talk that was already in progress), "Or at least bless that I'll feel the Spirit, and that walking here will be worth it."

What followed proved to me that my tiny mustard seed of faith had been recognized and rewarded with disproportionate and undeserving mercy and loving kindness.  Here are several quotes from her address, and to see how meaningful they were to me, think about them as direct answers to my prayer (which is absolutely what they were):

"You are amazing.  You are not ordinary.  And these are not ordinary times in which we live.  You have been reserved and prepared to be on the earth at this time, and though the circumstances in which we live present many challenges, you can do it."

"We must determine to act, not be acted upon."

"You are doing difficult, but correct, things in the midst of great opposition. Your actions and decisions now will bless future generations."

"Don't let old paradigms become your parameters."

"You must seize the day, because these are your days.  And if the adversary can get you to postpone or delay your progress or to freeze in fear, or to get you to wait because he's convinced you that you are too young, he wins."

"Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, 'There is no price too high, no struggle too severe, no sacrifice to great, if out of it all we receive and enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost.'"

"I’m sure that when we learned we’d be able to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost here in mortality, we shouted for joy and confidently embraced the Father’s plan because we knew that we would never be alone. We knew that everything would be all right...  We also knew that though the guidance of the Holy Ghost we’d be magnified, and we could do hard things.  Because of the Savior and His infinite Atonement, we knew would be enabled and strengthened to do whatever we must to do, to endure whatever we must endure, to be victorious in fulfilling our divine missions.  I believe that we knew and understood that mortality would not be easy, but if we endured and proved faithful, we would be able to return once again to our Heavenly home proven, pure, and sealed in eternal families."

"Be... more fit for the kingdom... Set little attainable goals.  Establish and rely on the power of habit.  Your spiritual fitness routine [and, I thought, physical fitness routine] will look different than mine.  But make it a routine."

"Cast not away thy confidence.  Don’t get distracted, discouraged, or disqualified.  The word “confidence” is composed of two Latin words: “con” meaning with and “fideo” meaning faith.  So you see, confidence means, “with faith.”  Faith is a powerful power that can move mountains and call down miracles.  You have exercised your faith up to this point, and I compliment you.  So keep on, even if things don’t go according to your plan.  Even if you think you are being delayed because of the actions or the non-actions of others.  Press forward.  Continue to draw close to the Lord.  Cherish virtue.  Stand firm and stand tall.  You have been reserved to be here now on account of your exceeding faith in the premortal existence in our Heavenly Father’s plan.  Your life also has a plan, and as you trust in the Lord, you will see that plan unfold in miraculous ways" 

"Truly, these are days never to be forgotten.  As you run your personal best in your personal race, may you never forget that they who wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint."

Wow.  He even put weight loss advice for me into a talk by one of the most prominent youth leaders in our Church.  Can there be any doubt that God knows me and cares about me?  So, to follow some of Sister Dalton's council, I am going to make small, attainable, habit-based goal for this week:

Every day this week, I will eat at least 1 serving of vegetables with every dinner.  Keep me accountable, people.  I'll report in next week :)

Week 1: A Spiritual Solution to a Physical Problem

I wasn't going to do it again.  Not again.  Not another year when my ambitious hopes for weight loss turn heavy {no pun intended} and get tossed aside.  But as I made my goals for 2013, I couldn't seem to leave goals for weight loss out of my head.  If it didn't matter so much to me, why would I come back to it year after year?  So I consulted my mother.

 "Meilina," she said.  "What in your life have you ever given up on something once you put your mind to it?"

"That's the point! Losing weight-- every year!"

"Besides that." 

Silence. 

I really couldn't think of anything. 

"See?" said Mom.  "That's why you have to do it!  You don't give up!"

That thought empowered me.

 "Heavenly Father will help you," she said. "You can turn to Him for strength." 

And that thought humbled me. 

I think I will never be as good as my mother until I can see, like she does, that every problem has a Gospel solution. 

Perhaps my self-righteous pride is one reason that I quit so easily-- I think I can do this on my own.  Instead, I'm starting here this time: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."

"The Lord is in the details of our lives," President Thomas S. Monson said.  So I'm going to pray for strength to resist the deserts at ward activities.  I'm going to study the scriptures for insights about overcoming cravings.  I'm going to search the words of the prophets for how to deal constructively with emotions (instead of self-medicating with food).  I'm going to weary the Lord with my pleadings.  Also, I will seek help and support from other sources as needed (family, roommates, friends, nutritionists, counselors).  I must expect resistance, challenges, outright opposition, but I must trust that He will help me through it.  

I have adopted as my motto the quote at the end of the video I've inserted above: "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying.  There is help and happiness ahead.  Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come 'til heaven, but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end.  Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Just the beginning.

I'm fighting, fighting not to eat right now.  But I'm not hungry.  So I thought I'd take a minute to list a few of the small triumphs of first few days on my goal:
     {I made two whole wheat toaster waffles last for twenty minutes.}
  {At a restaurant, I ordered a salad with dressing on the side.}
        {Also at the restaurant, I divided my food down the middle as soon as I got it and saved half for next-day leftovers.}
       {Though I was out of shape from missing a week at the gym, I did not quit during our hour-long class.}
    {I did not go back for seconds at a Church buffet dinner.}
 {I resisted the urge to hop in the car when I heard McDonalds and Chick-fil-A were giving out free food on Leap Day.}
         {I took a nap instead of eating yesterday when I discovered I was tired not hungry.}
      {I woke up at 4:45 this morning to attend a cycle class at the Y.}
Now, I will go brush my teeth, read the Book of Mormon for at least 5 minutes, and pull some weeds in the garden.  I will not eat until I am hungry.  In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. 

Switchpoints and Emotional Eating Part 2

After many thoughtful showers, several books from the 613 section of the library, a fair share of tears, and a trial run on Monday, I'm feeling in a good place.  One book that particularly struck a chord with me was "Conquer Your Food Addiction" by this lady. 

She explained that food addicts have learned to self-medicate every negative situation with food.  As Bob Harper would say, they "eat their feelings instead of feel their feelings."  So food becomes the conditioned response to most stimuli.  Thus, in this process that I am engaging in I need to create new responses to emotions and respond only to hunger with food.  Some call this intuitive eating.


For the next 18 days, I will:

- eat only when hungry
- if I am hungry, but my dominant emotion is not positive, address the emotion until I feel happy or content.
- make each meal last 20 minutes*
- complete some exercise at the YMCA Monday through Saturday

*This is part of a pattern called mindful eating, in which the eater tastes, savors, enjoys the food instead of washing it down mindlessly and then wanting more because it hasn't registered with their brain or taste buds that they actually ate enough already.

Why 18 days? Because I just watched the Biggest Loser episode last night in which the contestants had 18 days at home in which they were supposed to lose 5% of their body weight.  I'm going to weigh myself at the gym this morning to decide if I want that vigorous of a goal, but I want to use that time period anyway.  Plus, 18 days is so random! And I'm usually pretty OCD about good, even, round numbers.  Like, I would never start a diet on Friday, I would wait until Monday.  But if I'm going to reexamine old habits and form new ones, why not here, too?  I'm starting on a Wednesday an eating plan that will last 18 days. :) Ready, go!