Week Unknown: Confessions

A few weeks ago, a friend reminded me that it's been ages since I posted on my blog.  I told her I'd been busy and then sort of fallen out of the habit.  Accurate, but incomplete.

The truth is I have no successes to write about.

And you don't want to read a blog about my failures, do you?  I've gained back many of my comfortable old habits and the pounds that went with 'em.  To paraphrase a prophet, thus not much time has passed and I've already turned back to my old ways, "like the dog to his vomit, or like the sow to her wallowing in the mire."  I've been contemplating whether I really want to put in the effort or not.  Maybe deep down I just want to eat sweets and fatty foods and be sedentary more than I want to be healthy

The truth is I want to quit.

Conceited as it sounds, I'm not used to having to work long and hard to get the results I want.  I'm a highly successful procrastinator-- the last-minute-surge-of-energy type that "slow and steady"s hate.  I'm the one who crams for an exam an hour before and gets a better grade than someone who's been studying diligently all semester.  I work this way in many areas of my life and the acceptable outcomes I get from it only reinforce the process.

The truth is I sort of hate myself for it.

Usually I use this blog to work through my thoughts and feelings and reach some profound conclusion that helps me keep going.  But I'm going for transparency here...

The truth is I don't have any answers today.

But I still care, and I was better today than I was yesterday.  I turned down a BYU mint brownie, if that means anything to you.  (If you've ever eaten one of said brownies, it should.)

The truth is I haven't quit yet.


Anyone else have an answer today?

Week 6: Struggling

I did SO good on my birthday.  And then Valentine's Day came.... and proved to me that I still have a long way to go.  I'm still vulnerable.  I still don't know how to moderate.  Today was another binge day, and I feel awful and unmotivated and so angry with myself.

So, self, STOP right now.  Think about the bigger picture.  You overate and didn't exercise for three days.  That is three days out of your entire existence.  Are you going to let three days stop you?

Remember,

DON'T YOU QUIT.

And remember, you don't have to do this alone.  Tomorrow, I will redouble my efforts to pray for strength in meeting my goals, I will study at least one spiritual article that relates to health and the Gospel, and I will set up an appointment with a counselor to talk about some things that have been bothering me.

I'm not quitting.

Hold me accountable, okay?