Week 4: The Lord is Nigh

"Weight is a protection," my aunt told me today. "A protection from things that we fear."  Although I have lately been in a hopeful mindset, an experience last week resurfaced one of my deepest fears: that I will never be loved and married.  I am sure that my weight and that fear are quite connected; exactly how, I need to explore more.  I'm not comfortable putting the all details of what happened on a public blog, but as I walked home last Monday night, those fearful, buried thoughts resurrected.  "He broke my trust.  How can I ever open up to someone again?"  "If I had been skinnier, would things have turned out differently?"  "If he wouldn't love me, will anyone?" 

"Heavenly Father, please bless that I can receive some comfort from the lesson tonight," I prayed silently as we began FHE.  We were asked to open to Psalms 34 and read verses 14-19. Right from the start, the verses seemed to speak to me: "The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and his ears are open unto their cry. ... The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles" (vs. 15, 17).  Then listen to verse 18.  Could there have been a more fitting verse in all of scripture?

"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart..."  

Seriously.  That's what it says.  Immediately, I felt exactly what I prayed to feel-- comfort-- and, again, faith and hope.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to fear rejection.  He accepts me  (see Isaiah 53:3-5).  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to protect and hide myself in fatty layers of emotional eating.  His grace covers me and strengthens me.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have NO need to feel alone.  He is near me, even (and perhaps especially) when my heart is broken.

Don't mistake me and think I am healed all at once.  Like my habits and goals for healthy living, reaching emotional health will be a process that also takes time.  I must expect opposition and failure and learn flexible strategies for dealing with those.  But I just feel better about approaching my future, knowing, again, that I don't have to do it by myself.

Switchpoints and Emotional Eating Part 1

Gordon B. Hinckley, former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once shared this powerful story: 

"Many years ago I worked for a railroad in the central offices in Denver... One morning I received a call from my counterpart in Newark, New Jersey. He said, 'Train number such-and-such has arrived, but it has no baggage car. Somewhere, 300 passengers have lost their baggage, and they are mad.'

"I went immediately to work to find out where it may have gone. I found it had been properly loaded and properly [moved from] ...California [to] Salt Lake City... to Denver... to Pueblo... to St. Louis. There it was to be handled by another railroad which would take it to Newark, New Jersey. But some thoughtless switchman in the St. Louis yards moved a small piece of steel just three inches, a switch point, then pulled the lever to uncouple the car. We discovered that a baggage car that belonged in Newark, New Jersey, was in fact in New Orleans, Louisiana—1,500 miles from its destination. Just the three-inch movement of the switch in the St. Louis yard by a careless employee had started it on the wrong track, and the distance from its true destination increased dramatically." Read the full article here

Last night was one of those rough nights.  I came home from a babysitting job to find the house in uproar.  More  pairs of dirty socks lying around than we have pairs of feet.  Brother 7 screaming.  Brother 4 beatboxing {read: making any purposeless noise imaginable}.  Dad frantic over homemade dinner for us plus a sick neighbor family.  Mom superhumanly switching between kneading roll dough, crafting Pinterest-inspired Valentines, and tending the little people.  And to me this translates into PRESSURE.  The pressure of unspoken expectations, unfulfilled needs, and uncontrolled surroundings.  I can't meet all those expectations.  I can't fulfill every need.  I can't control everyone and everything.  So I try to fill the gap with the source I've mentally made my cure-all: food.  But six breadsticks later, I'm realizing once again that something doesn't add up.  

Physical hunger is satisfied with physical nourishment.  Emotional hunger is satisfied with emotional nourishment.  And for so long I've been in the habit of mixing the two.  

It was such a blessing that I got the emotional nourishment I needed right after dinner last night at young adult scripture study.  We reviewed President Hinckley's story and talked about David {of Goliath and Bath-sheba fame} and the three-inch switch points that led to his tragic downfall.  And it clicked for me.  How I respond to emotional pressure will be a powerful switch point in my journey to health and fitness.  Too often I move that crucial three inches and turn to food and by the "end" of the cycle I'm so far from where I intended to be.  This turns into eating more and more food but never resolving the emotional stress:

Emotional pressure --> want to feel better --> turn to food --> eat unhealthy choices or quantities --> feel guilty, angry, depressed --> emotional pressure.

Now that I have identified this switch point, I need to find small, simple, and constructive "three-inch" alternatives to turning to food.  I'll give it some good brainstorming and experimenting and let you know what I discover.  And I'd love advice from you.  What do YOU think?

Breakthrough

When I was little, I used to stumble through Tae Bo workouts with my aunt.  And, of course, I've seen Karate Kid a time or two.  But the boxing and martial arts-inspired cardio class {Body Combat} I attended at the gym today completely caught me off guard.

There was something about being a first-timer and having to admit it by raise of hand that made me want to defy anyone who thought I couldn't keep up.  There was something about standing in the center of the room- with all sides of me exposed- that made me want to prove my appearance did not reflect my strength.  There was something about the pent-up frustration of a disappointing weight gain last week that fueled me to ditch my excuses and just do it.  There was something about that tough, muscular woman shouting at us that made me dig deep and leave everything I had on that gym floor.  I was sweating {"Jab-cross-jab!"} and shaking {"Uppercut-uppercut!"} and sucking air almost hysterically {"Cross and kick!"}.  But it wasn't until our instructor explicitly told us to imagine our opponent that I realized who I had been mentally visualizing at the receiving end of each punch: overweight, appetite-driven, weak, and defenseless- it was me.  Sweat mingled with tears, and those punches may as well have been right to my heart.  I had been envisioning beating myself to the ground.  I was hurting and destroying myself! And the words my parents so often told me {"You've got to stop beating yourself up!"} finally took on meaning for me.

I am my worst opponent.  I am my biggest obstacle.  I am my deepest fear.

For so long I have used my strength against myself instead of for myself as I give into discouragement, regret past mistakes, and focus on current imperfections.  But if this is a two-sided mental struggle, then all it takes is a simple but powerful perspective change.  I have seen myself as the victim.  Today I saw myself as the conqueror.  Right here, right now, as I am, I am acceptable.  I am strong.  I can fight.  I can do hard things.  In fact, I can do all things, through Christ which strengtheneth me {Phil. 4:13}.  And in His strength, I can become stronger, fight harder, and eventually overcome all things {D&C 75:16}.

He is my best ally.  He is my biggest aid.  He is my brightest hope.  He is on my side.  And now I am on my side, too.