Week Unknown: Confessions

A few weeks ago, a friend reminded me that it's been ages since I posted on my blog.  I told her I'd been busy and then sort of fallen out of the habit.  Accurate, but incomplete.

The truth is I have no successes to write about.

And you don't want to read a blog about my failures, do you?  I've gained back many of my comfortable old habits and the pounds that went with 'em.  To paraphrase a prophet, thus not much time has passed and I've already turned back to my old ways, "like the dog to his vomit, or like the sow to her wallowing in the mire."  I've been contemplating whether I really want to put in the effort or not.  Maybe deep down I just want to eat sweets and fatty foods and be sedentary more than I want to be healthy

The truth is I want to quit.

Conceited as it sounds, I'm not used to having to work long and hard to get the results I want.  I'm a highly successful procrastinator-- the last-minute-surge-of-energy type that "slow and steady"s hate.  I'm the one who crams for an exam an hour before and gets a better grade than someone who's been studying diligently all semester.  I work this way in many areas of my life and the acceptable outcomes I get from it only reinforce the process.

The truth is I sort of hate myself for it.

Usually I use this blog to work through my thoughts and feelings and reach some profound conclusion that helps me keep going.  But I'm going for transparency here...

The truth is I don't have any answers today.

But I still care, and I was better today than I was yesterday.  I turned down a BYU mint brownie, if that means anything to you.  (If you've ever eaten one of said brownies, it should.)

The truth is I haven't quit yet.


Anyone else have an answer today?

Week 10: Busy

No time for a real post this week....

There's only time to say,

With God, nothing is impossible.

I'm starting to believe that.

Do you?

Week 9: Are you sitting on your ticket?

I don't really know how to preface this.  I just know that it resonates with me.... I'll let the story speak for itself:

"Somewhere out there in the world is a young woman who, if she reads the letter that follows, will sing out "Hey, that's me-- that's my story!"  This letter is written out of gratitude-- from me and all those who have heard her story from me.  Out of one person's moment of comic despair has come perspective for all.

Dear Fellow Pilgrim:
     There you were, Hong Kong airport, end of the summer of 1984, tensely occupying a chair next to mine. Everything about you said "Young American Traveler Going Home."  You had by then exchanged jeans and T-shirt for sarong and sandals.  Sensible short hair had given way to hair long and loose. The backpack beside you bore the scars and dirt of some hard traveling, and it bulged with mysterious souvenirs of seeing the world.  Lucky kid, I thought.
     When the tears began to drip from your chin I imagined some lost love or the sorrow of giving up adventure for college classes.  But when you began to sob, you drew me into your sadness.  Guess you had been very alone and very brave for some time.  A good cry was in order.  And weep you did.  All over me.  A monsoon of grievous angst.  My handkerchief and your handkerchief and most of a box of tissues and both your sleeves were needed to dry up the flood before you finally got it out. 
     Indeed, you were not quite ready to go home; you wanted to go further on.  But you had run out of money and your friends had run out of money, and so here you were having spent two days waiting in the airport standby with little to eat and too much pride to beg.  And your plane was about to go.  And you had lost your ticket.  You cried all over me again.  You had been sitting in this one spot for three hours, sinking into the cold sea of despair like some torpedoed freighter.  At moments you thought you would sit there utnil you died.
     After we dried you off, I and a nice older couple from Chicago, who were also swept away in the tide of your tears, offered to take you to lunch and to talk to the powers that be at the airlines about some remedy.  You stood up to go with us, turned around to pick up your belongings.  And  SCREAMED.  I thought you had been shot.  But no . . . it was your ticket.  You found your ticket.  You had been sitting on it.  For three hours.
     Like a sinner saved from the very jaws of hell, you laughed and cried and hugged us all and were suddenly gone.  Off to catch a plane for home and what next.  Leaving most of the passenger lounge deliriously limp from being part of your drama.
     I've told the story countless times. "She was sitting on her own ticket," I conclude, and the listeners always laugh in painful self-recognition.
     Often when I have been sitting on my own ticket in some way-- sitting on whatever it is I have that will get me up and on to what comes next-- I think of you and grin at both of us and get moving.
     So, thanks.  You have become, in a special way, my travel agent.  May you find all your tickets and arrive wherever it is you want to go, now and always."

From the book It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It by Robert Fulghum.  Accessed here.

Week 8: R&R

I'm so busy and so behind.  This week I'll just list a few Resources & Recommendations (R&R):

MY FITNESS PAL

I could not do it without this tool.  Input your weight, activity level, and goal (i.e. weight loss, gain, or maintenance) and they calculate how many calories you should have each day.  Then, you search their nearly exhaustive database to add foods to your daily food log.  Other conveniences-- fitness log, recipe calorie counter, favorites, and there's an app...This thing is awesome.

25 TOP YOUTUBE WORKOUTS
This link from Six Sisters' Stuff has been so helpful.  I've tried about a third of the videos they suggest so far, with definite satisfaction.  YouTube videos are now one of my favorite things to do to work out-- endless possibility and variety. 

MY YOUTUBE WORKOUTS
Once I got started with YouTube workouts, there was no stopping.  Here are some other videos I've collected.  I haven't tried all of these yet either, but the ones I have tried were killer.  In a good way.

HUNGRY GIRL RECIPES
This author has so many great ideas for recipes that are healthy, low in calories, creative, and delicious.  I received one of her cookbooks as a gift, and I use it quite a bit.  If you don't own one, though, you can sign up to receive daily emails.

GETTING STARTED WITH RUNNING
I have used the training schedules on this website for my 5Ks and my half marathon, but they also have schedules for 10Ks and full marathons.  I love how everything is scheduled out neatly for you.  Plus, they list tips and important info about running, too.

FINDING A RACE
Once you've chosen a training schedule for running, it's usually not that hard to find a race, but I've found this to be an excellent compilation.  Search by place, date, and/or race length.  Lots of choices :)

What are your favorite health and fitness resources?

Week 7: We're All in This Together!

THANK YOU.
Your encouraging words and supportive actions have uplifted me this week.  You make it rewarding to combat my tendency to think I have to overcome my problems by myself-- I accomplish more and become better when I lean on the strength of my friends and family and of the Lord.  Teamwork works! I gained my own testimony this week of this principle from Elder Neil L. Andersen: "When you are faced with a test of faith, stay within the safety and security of the household of God. There is always a place for you here. No trial is so large we can’t overcome it together.^"

 
I am feeling motivated again, relying on the power of healthy habits, and seeing satisfying day-by-day results.  I pray a lot.  I've found it especially helpful to tell Heavenly Father my goals each morning; if I commit to Him to keep them, I am much more likely to do so than if I just commit to myself.  

He always provides a way.

Here's a seemingly silly example, but an example I call a tender mercy of the Lord: We had a super fun "Second Chance Valentine's Day" activity for Relief Society this week.  I wanted to go and socialize, but I knew that there would be lots of sweets there.  I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would not eat any treats, and I asked Him to help me stick to that.  I knocked on the door, sat in the first available seat, and-- what do you know-- there's this perfect little half-wall right next to me that covers my view of the kitchen table.  Like, seriously.  I don't even know what treats are over there, so I'm not tempted to have any.  Out of sight out of mind.  And then they drew door prizes-- a large percentage of which were Valentine candies.  Instead, I won Valentine "cuff bands" and pretty classy ones, at that! ;)  Such small things, but "the Lord is in the detail of our lives."  He cared enough about helping me reach my goals that He found a seat for me behind a wall and gave me "cuff bands" instead of candy.  Now that is a God who knows me, a God who cares.  

These words seem especially appropriate today: "I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace. ... Parents are pulling for you, leaders are pulling for you, and prophets are pulling for you. And Jesus is pulling with you." Brad Wilcox

 

Week 6: Struggling

I did SO good on my birthday.  And then Valentine's Day came.... and proved to me that I still have a long way to go.  I'm still vulnerable.  I still don't know how to moderate.  Today was another binge day, and I feel awful and unmotivated and so angry with myself.

So, self, STOP right now.  Think about the bigger picture.  You overate and didn't exercise for three days.  That is three days out of your entire existence.  Are you going to let three days stop you?

Remember,

DON'T YOU QUIT.

And remember, you don't have to do this alone.  Tomorrow, I will redouble my efforts to pray for strength in meeting my goals, I will study at least one spiritual article that relates to health and the Gospel, and I will set up an appointment with a counselor to talk about some things that have been bothering me.

I'm not quitting.

Hold me accountable, okay?

Week 5: A Better Way to Celebrate Myself

One year ago this past Monday, I decided I wanted to celebrate my birthday in style.  As is our family tradition, I could choose the birthday dinner, and I came up with the brilliant theme of finger foods-- you know, crackers & cheese, veggies & dip, and especially all those delicious, bite-size, deep-fried, pre-packaged delicacies your mother never lets you buy.  I figured if I was going off my diet {for just one day} in celebration-- and I deserve it, right?-- I might as well go all out.  And go all out we did.  There were egg rolls and cordon bleu balls and popcorn chicken and jalapeno poppers, just for starters.  For dessert, we had ice cream with, appropriately, 22 different toppings.  See those three bowls of ice cream on the bottom left?  All mine. 

Everything tasted delicious, of course, and I appreciated my parents providing the party.  But it was hard and took a very long time to get back on track.

When I started planning my birthday this year (notice that planning has to come first in matters of healthy living) I was sort of freaking out about it, and I wasn't sure why.  I resolved NOT to make food be the focus of my celebrations, so in my head that meant I had to plan something unprecedented and grandiose and preferrably free and non-media related.  Ugh.  My best option was to rent out the Hogle Zoo.  Yes, one can rent out the Hogle Zoo.  But unfortunately, the "free" category doesn't apply.  And by Thursday when I called my mom, I still had no plan.  

As I told her my dilemma about how to celebrate, I finally vocalized my fear: "I don't want this birthday to be the same as last year- where it's the turning point for the worse.  I don't want to plan a big dinner or a fancy treat."  As I spoke, ideas finally clicked.  I could celebrate by doing something simple that I loved as much as desserts and fatty foods.  "In fact, I'll eat dinner before I come over, and let's have a dance party and make healthy smoothies."  Even though this was breaking our family traditions my mom agreed without hesitation.  She is so supportive, and I'm grateful.  

So instead of celebrating by letting myself go, I celebrated by keeping myself committed.  And it's not like I was eating wheat germ and brussel sprouts, either.  For breakfast and lunch, I split a Subway foot-long, had a handful of yummy almonds for snack, and threw together a southwest salad for dinner.  Satisfying, tasty, and healthy! Yay, me! :)

And, boy, did we rock that birthday dance party with Zumba lessons from Anna, basic ballroom dance steps from me, and a rousing rendition of the chicken dance!  

And Dad pulled through with some pretty fabulous smoothies.  We did have a bit of trouble trying to get my candles to stay standing on the top of my Triple Berry Smoothie. 

Notice how I blew over the candle in addition to blowing out the flame.

I left the party feeling energized, recommitted, and pleased with how it had turned out.  I feel like this is just the beginning, and Heavenly Father is strengthening me every step of the way.  

The words of Dr. Suess seem particularly appropriate :)

"Today you are you.  That is truer than true.

There is no one alive that is you-er than you!

Shout aloud, 'I am glad to be who I am!

'Thank goodness I'm not a clam

'Or a ham

'Or a dusty old jar of gooseberry jam.

'I am what I am- what a great thing to be!

'If I say so myself, Happy Every Day to Me!'"

P.S. and Happy Every Day to YOU! Thanks to all of you who read and all of you who sent birthday wishes my way!